The Book of Leon by Leon Black & JB Smoove & Iris Bahr

Author:Leon Black & JB Smoove & Iris Bahr
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Gallery Books

SHUTTING SHIT DOWN

One thing I know about being in a relationship is that arguments happen. And at the core of most arguments is dis-re-fuckin-spect! The majority of the time, disrespect occurs when you speak the truth to your partner but you do it in the wrong way! Bottom line: If you have some shit to say that’s bothering you, it’s better to keep that shit to yourself. But if you find you must say something, here’s a suggestion: Start your statement with “No disrespect.” Once you say “No disrespect,” it gives you the freedom to disrespect. Also, you might try adding “Honestly” or “I’m just saying.” Shit like that technically puts you in the clear, because I mean, you’ve clearly stated that you don’t mean to disrespect and you’re only being honest.

Despite my great advice to you, as I mentioned before, if you speak your mind to your partner, an argument will follow. Now, in general, I feel the best way to end an argument is to punch the person you are arguing with in the fucking face. That usually just stops the whole argument instantly. But if you’re fighting with a woman, never—I repeat, never—lay hands on a woman; I don’t play that shit. Now, that is not to say that I have never felt like it and I’m sure a lady or two has felt like doing the same to me, but I can’t say it enough: not only should you not touch your lady like that, she shouldn’t touch you like that either; it should never come down to some shit like that. No, instead, you and your wife should always have a wide selection of premade pies in the fridge, ’cause trust me, a pie to the face is the way to go—in particular, pies in the cream and meringue family. Nothing heavy, like pumpkin or like a cobbler; shit like that will do damage. No, you make sure you use something like a coconut custard or, better yet, a banana cream. (Make sure it’s a flavor you both like, in case makeup sex occurs—that way you can enjoy licking it off each other.) See? Now when the police show up on account of a “domestic disturbance” and the officer sees both of you with pie filling on your faces, that cop is gonna smirk. I mean, there’s no way he can take that shit seriously. Also, to help your cause, rent a clown suit. If a cop shows up and sees the two of you standing there dressed like clowns, that cop will have no choice but to turn his body cam off, get back into that damn patrol car, and drive the fuck away.

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